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Driving
If you were looking for something else, then you're wrong. Sorry, but it's true. So true. Driving is a method of transportation, similar to how riding a bulldozer or cockroach is. Often, however, while driving, you often use a car or a truck, because those are boring and they are good to start out with. Then you can move on to planes and trains and boats, a more complicated way of transporting your pointless self to another place. It's not really that complicated; you just got the automatic/stick-shift, depending on how lucky you are, you got the clutch (if you got stick-shift), you got the gas pedal, the stop pedal, the fact that you have to ease off the gas pedal when you reverse, you got the steering wheel, the speedometer, the gas tank, the tire pressure, the headlights and taillights, the license plate, passing the written test and then the driving test, you got the steering, the horn, the cruise control, the turn signals, the windshield wipers, locking the car doors, the seatbelt, which you always have to click or they (the donut eaters will give you a ticket, the keys which you have to turn to start, looking back a certain way, turning at a certain angle, not speeding, keeping your eyes on the road, concentrating on nothing but driving at one time (difficult for those with any case of ADD), and you got to worry about staying on your side of the road, the other cars passing by you, looking in your rear view mirror, you got the stop signs, the redlights, the signs that say whether you can turn, yield, go, or stop, you got the distance you have to turn, the fact that you have to worry about other cars being friggin stupid, backing up, backing up and turning at the same time, you got to pass cars, let cars pass you, remember to check your tires, headlights, taillights, and worry about not cracking your windshield, parallel parking, regular parking, putting the car in neutral or park, making a complete stop at stop signs, and a lot of other miscellaneous stuff. Nah, it's not much to worry about. For newcomers Driving may be scary for some people, particularly women[citation not needed], and others who are at their first time driving, and can be nervous because of an adult who always yells all the time and writes stuff down, grading you at the same time that he/she is yelling at you, often the result from having a state trooper in your car with you. It is important to remember, for benefit and how a potential driver feels about driving in the future, that driving can result in crashes, killing, murder, blood, gore, crying, yelling, screaming, dying, serious injury, paralyzation, disturbing airbags, broken bones, heads ripped off, stabbed in the stomach, chest, arm, leg, arms, legs, heart, body, head, brain, mind, face, neck, butt, nuts, etc, you can get killed from it, and most importantly, someone else can die and you can feel really guilty. Just something to remember for those who are new to driving and/or have not driven at all in their history of life. For oldcomers For those who have been driving for a while (a year to eight years), remember that you shouldn't get too comfortable while driving. You should remember that your car could blow up at any time, and if you were in it, you would easily die, and you probably wouldn't have written a will and so people around you would get real mad at you for it, probably, because you never gave them anything in your nonexistant will that you forgot to write. So get on it so you don't die. And donate 99% (at least) of your money to Misencyclopedia for donations or whatever. And, also, you could easily wreck at any time. Imagine some drunk driver, such as a teenager, hits you head on going 200 mph, and he has a stunt car so it doesn't effect him at all. What would you do? Die. That's what you would do. And you're too lazy to even die, so just forget it. Don't worry about it happening. Just keep it mind. A guide to driving (for dummies) Your goal is to go down the road and make a right turn to your friend's house, and you two will play football for a few hours, and you will have fun. You will have a lot of fun. But then he will break his nose from tripping over a cat and then his mom will drive him to the hospital. Turning the car on It's real simple. Just walk out of your house (or trailer/mansion/box/whatever-the-frig-you-live-in), open the door to your car, and get in. But make sure it's the driver's seat, and not any other one. You got a 25% chance at getting it right. Just keep on guessing. You may get it eventually. Next, simply take the keys in your hand and insert them into that hole in your car's dashboard/steering wheel, depending on the type of car you got. It's next to the steering wheel. You know, that thing that looks like a will that you turn when you drive? Turn the keys (that are in the dashboard or steering wheel) to the right. All the way, now, as far as it will go, so it will start. Then, well, this is assuming you have an automatic (because a stick-shift is a little too complicated for you right now, having that clutch to work with and all) take your hand and put it on the handle for the automatic, and you will see its on P'', which is ''park. Make sure you grab it and move it all the way down the list of letters, and put it on R'', which is, believe it or not, and, despite popular belief, ''reverse. But make sure you have your foot on the break pedal the whole time. The brake pedal is the one to the left of your gas pedal, and that would be down near where the clutch isn't. Make sense? Just like riding a bike. Backing up Next, ease off of the break pedal a little and turn at the same time. You might wanna look back at the same time, but look over to the right versus the left, because then, if a cop sees you, he will bust you and give you a ticket, and you won't like that. Tickets are bad for you, just like eating broccoli. It does a number on your taste buds, and the taste buds of yours will kill themselves before you know it. Remember, you only want to back up until the car is straight, along with the road. The road is that paved mess that is distinguashable by the grass and/or concrete around it, which is, obviously, not paved. Once that happens, you have to put it in drive, which is D'', so move it down again, and put your foot on the brake, because you have to know what you're doing before you automatically jump to actually driving. You got to wait for a second before that happens. Going down the road Once you are aligned with the road, make sure you have your foot on the brake pedal (again) and the stick is in drive. Then, ease up on the brake until it the car won't go anymore, hardly, and then use the gas pedal to speed up some, ultimately resulting in you driving. Make sure you speed up to the speed limit (which is 145 in most counties and cities) and drive until you reach the turn. Making the turn There is a left turn coming up, but there's a car coming, too. No, don't run your car into the ditch next to the road because it's passing you. Simply look calm, act like it's not there. Act like it's a figment of your imagination and it doesn't exist. But then, don't go getting too comfortable and driving on the wrong side of the road. Then, it will hit you. Stay on your side. Once you get to the turn, turn your turn signal on, so flick it down, and don't get excited and all of a sudden start turning. You have to drive straight up all the way to the end of the road, where it's about to lead you into the grass, and then you make your turn. Now, remember, it's a ninety degrees turn, so you will have to cut it kinda sharp. But don't get too nervous, or you will kill yourself. Congratulations, you have backed up, drove down the road, and then made the turn. Now, you want to let the steering wheel slide through your hands as it comes back in line with the road again in front of you. If you try and fight the steering wheel you will look like a friggin fool who has no idea what he is doing, trying to drive. Waiting for the car You gotta remember that, once you drive down the next road and stop where you want to make a right turn to your friend's house a few blocks up, you have to wait for the car that is coming before you, and that you must ''yield to let it pass. That means that you can't go onto that road until that car passes you. Make sure you do that, and then turn your right turn signal on (flick it up), make sure nothing else is coming after that car, and slowly start turning, but remember what was talked about before; make sure you let it slide through your hands (the steering wheel) so you don't get a bad reputation through here (you live in a neighborhood). The stop sign After driving for a block or two, you realise that there is a stop sign ahead of you, and there are no cars coming, except for that cop that lives in the neighborhood is eating a donut, drinking coffee, watching you drive. Does that mean you should go? No way, dude. When there's a cop watching you, you have to make a complete stop or he will bust you and you will get a ticket. Simply slow down to a complete stop, visibly look both ways at least four times, and then drive on. It's that simple. Continue driving. The U turn Turns out, you went the wrong way, so you have to turn around at the next turn. Yes, that one. Turn at that one. Slow down, turn on your left turn signal, and make a complete stop before you make the U-turn. Now, there are no cars coming, so make sure you cut it deep and make a complete turn, turning your steering wheel all the way to the left, and slowly accelerate until you are align with the road in front of you again, and speed up to the speed limit. The red light Then, stop at the stop sign again, and turn right. But, wait a second, you have to stop right there and wait, because it's a red light and even though you usually could go anyway, there's a sign in the yard to the right of you, and it says, "Don't turn on red right here or you will get a ticket. See that cop right there, watching you? Eating a donut, drinking coffee, and wearing those stupid, ridiculous looking sunglasses that he probably got from Walmart? Well, wait until the red light changes to green, make sure there's no idiot flying by you, running a red light, and then accelerate to the right at a 90 degrees turn." No one really knows how they fit all that onto that sign, but do it anyway, and when the red light turns green, make your move and go before it goes red again. It'll turn yellow first, but you know. That's when you speed up real fast before it turns red, because then, the cop will bust you. And he's lazy, too, so he'll be mad at you for having to do it, too. The crosswalk After passing a block, you realise that there is an old lady walking slowly across a crosswalk in front of a red light that is green. I know you want to run her over and kill her for doing that, but she doesn't know, so stop and wait for her to pass. Go ahead and call your friend, telling him you'll be an hour or two later than you thought, and apologize for it, too. After she has passed accelerate. Stay on your side of the road, but look out for that car in front of you. It's a wreckless driving-guy and he doesn't care about you. He's probably high and drunk at the same time. Bad combination, too. Pulling into the driveway You'll have to go slowly as you approach your friend's house, and slow down, turning on your turn signal again, and enter his driveway. He is waiting for you to show up. Drive up to the garage. Pat yourself on the back or whatever, but you're not done yet. Parking All you have to do is slow down to a complete stop, and put the handle/stick in park. That means you move it up all the way to the P, and then you pull the keys out of the ignition. Then, open the door and get out, and then lock the car doors. Make sure you don't lock your keys in the car though. That would be really stupid and all, and you'd have to break into your own car to get them out. Congratulations So, congratulations, you've completed driving to your friend's house. See also *Car *Steering wheel *Tire *Wheel *Gasoline